Hilarious Moments — 2019 Edition

It seems the not so serious part of me is the part folks like more about moi. Folks stop by the wayside and reminisce how I made them laugh when the read my “Hilarious Stories” series. Well, if that happened then my job is done.

I am a “late-nighter”. I think I got that habit in Secondary School. Night was my reading period. I did that for two reasons. First was the fact that I always assumed the night was endless (na small pikin dey worry me that time. Now I know better. I have worked continuously for three days before). I hate being disturbed when I am reading. I also do not like any break in transmission. I like to end the reading on my own terms.

The second reason was induced by something I read. There was a quote somewhere in my Alma Mater, St Patrick’s College. I can’t remember whether it was on a book or on a wall. It talked about genius being formed when the night candles are being burnt. The quote had something to do with Mr Joseph, our Vice Principal in charge of Academics. I don’t know why that stayed with me. And so I started having a “nightlife” of reading.

So while reading in those night season, I remember things. Things come to mind. Those things make me laugh and if you were to walk into me, you would wonder what is going on. Most times I remember something that happened during the day or a childhood ignorance that I now know better.

Funny stuff they are and I will share some of them with you. As always they are real-life stories. Enjoy the ride.

Let’s stop for a corporate announcement.

My Girl

You’ve read about Mr Joseph. His wife was my chemistry teacher. I have written about her here. Both have had big influences on my life. Both were and are still very close to each other. If you are around them, you will want to get married. You will see love, care and mutual respect. It is laid out there in its barest form. It is not teenage love.

The distance between their house and the Chemistry lab was about a kilometre. Easily walkable but Mr Joseph would always come to pick her from the lab with their famous Peugeot 504 car, “The Pegasus”. They will drive home together. Lovely isn’t it?

One day, Mr Joseph came to pick her and she had gone somewhere within the school. While there he just said spontaneously “Where has this girl gone to?” I and the other students that were there froze. Literally.

Yes we froze. It was like being at the scene of a crime. who dare calls Mrs Joseph a girl. If the thought came to you, you will sneeze and startle at the same time. See, Mrs Joseph was like our mother, mentor, and authority figure rolled into one. Being called a girl was like someone addressing your mother as a girl. It was like calling Mother Theresa a girl. Lol

But then we realised, it was her husband. But as kids, he too should not call her a girl. Small pikin mind. When I meet my secondary school classmates and we talk about it, the laughter is always epic. We laughed at how we froze. Evergreen memories.

Shirtless

I shared the same room with my paternal grandma for a long long time. Until I left home at 16 and even when I came back for the holidays I still used that room.

In primary school days, when I got back from school, I would just throw my uniform to heaven-knows-where. The uniform was of no consequence until the next morning. I would look for it and somehow I would see it….in a state. But then, I would just wear it and move on. Grandma will talk and talk and talk…all in a bid for me to keep the clothes in a good place. But I no gree

Then there was this day that I searched and searched. I just could not see the uniform and I went to my Grandma. I asked politely if she has seen my uniform. She said “Yes”. Oh, I was so joyful. I then asked where it was. She told me. “That is what I am wearing”. The joke was on me. My joy was lost with the same speed that I found it. I continued my search. Old woman sense.

I No Send You

Education is a big leveller. I have lived and experienced that and so I am passionate about educating kids. I try to teach. I teach to support. In my own little way.

Apart from spreading the gospel of Jesus Christ, my biggest support has gone to education. Faith is the anchor of the soul. It lights a person. Education is an enabler. So even if you are not of the same faith with me, at least I can support the educational/academic part of your growth. You can see my thoughts on education here

And there was this young man. I did my best to be of help to him. We talked about “what’s next?”. It was university education and he needed to take JAMB and all that. Cool. And so I enrolled him — paid the fees and helped him with the logistics of all that.

Since I had a number of teenagers I was working with, I knew all the exams dates — GCE, WAEC, NECO, JAMB, Post UME of different schools etc. I was either filling one form or counselling one person. I have been locked in a bank before because of one of those teenagers told me on the last day about one of those exams. I abandoned work ran into the bank and did all the submissions right there. That was a season in my life.

On the JAMB day of that year, I went out to play football. On my way there I saw this young man strutting around. I was surprised because there was no JAMB centre in the remote part of Nigeria that I worked and lived. I asked him why he was here and not in the exam hall. Wait for it…it is the bomb.

He told me “Sir, I did not want to write JAMB. It was you who forced me to register”. My body temperature dropped. I was calm. I could not play football again. I weak. I just tire. The end.

Why?

I am always associated with strange people. One habit they have is that they don’t like to bathe. A number of them are my blood brothers; I am not calling names o. If we lived in the icy part of the world, where folks don’t sweat, it would have been ok. But in tropical Africa, imagine how we scent. Don’t imagine it; you will puke.

My dad is one of the neatest soul ever but we the boys. Nah ! we will play ball from morning till night and then wash our legs and go to bed. The irony is that we will feel very clean. Wetin……who don die because e no baf? I cringe thinking of it now. Children.

But one story that I will never forget involves my young friend, Paulo. He was a nice guy. He kept to himself and could cry for 3 days non-stop. We use to tease that Paulo fed himself from the tears he generated while crying. He seems to enjoy crying. Well, to every one his own.

One day, Paulo walked out and an adult noticed how dirty he was. This conversion ensued.

Adult: Paul, go and bath.

Paulo: Aunti, I am not bathing today

Adult: Why

Paulo: Because there is no school today.

QED. Epic. Succinct.

Paulo bathes on school days. At least he had bathing days.

In case you enjoyed this, I have other hilarious moments that I have captured before. Here they are: Hilarious Moments Of Life, More Hilarious Moments (II), Hilarious Moments III , Much More Hilarious Moments IV, Hilarious Moments V , Hilarious Moments VI, The Hilarity Of The Drive (VII), Hilarious Moments 8, Hilarious Moments 9 and Hilarious Moment X

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Regards, Gabriel.