I can’t think of anything sublime to write this week and so I will bore you with my personal stuff that cracks me up from time to time. These stories actually happened. It might be my version of “Kids Say The Darndest Things” spiced with other stories. Let’s have a go.
Snow In Africa
My wife walks into my first son’s bed room and it is filled with heap of white powder on the bed.
“Young man, what are you doing with so much powder”.
He responded “Mum, I am making snow”.
My Comment: Take that to the bank. If you have never seen snow in Africa, this is your first chance. Well done my boy !!!
We are in a plane and turbulence takes over. Everyone is tensed and controlling the tension in the best possible way they can except for one fella; my second son. There are no two of him anywhere in the world. Quote me. In case you don’t know him by now; we call him “Colourful”. A trial will convince you.
When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put…
He was enjoying the turbulence; laughing and mimicking the ebb and flow of the turbulence. The turbulence lasted for a while and then from no where he said something he should not say around adults during turbulence. “We are going to crash”.
More than 60 eyes zoomed with immediate alacrity at once towards him. He realized that this was a handshake that extended beyond an elbow.
My Comment: This was him at 4; having the time of his life and the adults disrupted it.
My Mum and Helicopters
My mum is one of those reticent and quiet persons that you will make a grave mistake to push over. When you grow up with multiple obstacles as she did, you will always be thinking on how to scale the next one. She does not like flying and she had to fly to come and see us.
It was the time of life that we had our first son and we required help aka “Omugwo”. My mother in-law had come and had to go back courtesy of the fact that was in active employment.
My mum was to come but there was no other way to come except via a helicopter. There is a story to it (no be me get the helicopter o). I live deep in the Niger Delta and the “boys” reigned supreme in the water ways. So a company graciously gave opportunities for fellas to use the service based on business needs, emergencies and unused business spaces for private needs.
Recently my mum visited and I asked her how did she feel during the helicopter ride. With a smile on her face she said “I saw kids joyfully jumping into it and I told myself, “I have seen more Christmases than these kids. If they think it is fun to jump in, then it must be fun and so I jumped in””.
My Comment: Welcome to my mum’s world. She has numerous ways of thinking through problems including Distorted Reality
He is Eating Mum
My first son walks into the sitting room. He sighted an unusual scenario. My second son was being breastfed. He ran to me in the bedroom to arrange a rescue. I asked him what is happening. He told me “You need to help mum because he (my second son) is eating mum”.
Comment: if you know how best to explain breast feeding to a 4 year old, please let me know.
The Ten Virgins
Some days ago, I told my kids about the story of the ten virgins in the Bible and the need to be prepared in life and the spiritual implication of the story. I told them the story as it was in the days of Jesus and then showed them how it would have played out in today’s world (the contemporary version). So I said it would have been going without batteries to charge your FIFA Xbox Controller when you are going to be out for a long time.
And so we are done and I ask, what did you learn from the story. Of course, my second’s hand was in the air. Of course, he had an answer and of course the answer was “The five foolish virgins should have had more batteries for their Xbox Controller”. The family church thundered in laughter and he did not understand why we were laughing.
My Comment : QED. ‘Nuf said.
Daddy Na Eku
One of the things you get when you school in your village school is that you are obviously going to be taught in vernacular. No fault of the teachers. It is what it is. During my NYSC, I taught more English than the Physics I was assigned to teach. The kids could hardly communicate in English and so I had to find a way to bridge it.
Back to my story. My father realizing that his kids could barely speak English came up with an order. Everyone had to communicate in English or not bother communicating at all. Oh ! we became deaf and dumb all of a sudden, sign language was the order of the day.
Then a rat was found somewhere around the house and we all tried to kill it. My Dad joined the fray but he wanted to know what the hassle was about. He asked all of us. “What is happening?”. See JAMB question .
It was now evident that we were all deaf and dumb — absolute silence. Our youngest brother, with a feeble faint voice muttered these glorious words “Papa, Na Eku”.
My Comment : The boy had “A” for effort.
“Papa, Na Eku” loosely translates “Dad, it is a rat”.