I ran a poll on my WhatsApp status today on what to muse about. Seems folks had a long weekend and wanted something easy. Let me serve it to you as you wish. Enjoy the hilarity of the show.
The Man & The Gym
My neighbour was gym averse and one day we got into a conversation. I asked him why. He asked if I had 30 minutes for him to explain. I gave him the green light.
He told me the last time he went to the gym will almost be the last. It happened when he just had his first daughter. His mother-in-law came around to cater to his wife and the new baby. He left for the gym and met this wonderful instructor who was sculpted in the order of Hercules. He told the gym instructor his desires and the gym instructor gave him m stuff to do. He felt good about himself and left. All was well until the next morning. He barely could lift his arms. He had body ached.
Instead of his mother-in-law tending to the baby, he became the baby. He said the woman had to massage him daily. He had no option because he could hardly move and his wife was not in a state to assist him. The house had a mum, a grandmother and two babies.
In English Please
My mum runs a shop by the roadside. It makes her happy. She gets to meet many people. It makes her day. When my mum visited me — she was bored. I could not provide her type of entertainment. She had only me, my wife and the baby. It was out of sorts. The next time she came, I made sure her husband came with her.
Her roadside shop allows us to meet many characters. I have sold stuff all my life. I still help out when I visit the parents but the issue with me selling now is that those who have not seen me for a while, get into unending conversations. Mind you I grew up in that street and so I practically know everyone.
If my mum is in the mood, she will introduce me to folks “Oh this is my first son”. If she wants to “extort” money from me, she will say “Yes, the Engineer”. Nobody calls me an Engineer except my mother. She does not respect the Council for the Regulation of Engineering in Nigeria (COREN) rule on that matter. Her son read Engineering and he is an engineer. Period
One day one of her customers who has been owing came around with a lady. I think he wanted to impress her for whatsoever reasons. Well, it is the way of a man with a lady — it confounds every known wisdom. My mum started asking for the debt gently and in the local vernacular. The guy was behaving like he was hard of hearing. Then my mum asked in English “Oga sir, when do I expect my money ?”. The man turned around sharply, looked at my mum (obviously very disappointed ) and said in the local vernacular “You said it in English so that the whole world would know I am owing”. With the influence of having a guest of his to impress, the rest is history.
Don’t joke with people like my mum. They have their ways of getting things done. Execution at its best.
I have a childhood friend who is quite close to his mum till date. They are an item. I’ve always pitied in advance whomsoever he will marry. The wife will have to contend with my guy’s first love. Actually, to be fair, he and his mother have weathered many storms. That has made them very close. Thankfully he is a man of the scriptures that knows that there need to be a boundary between mother and wife. But his mum had other thoughts.
More than 10 years after the marriage, I became friendly with the wife. We started gisting about many things and then one day I asked her “How were your early days of marriage? How did you contend with Mama?”.
It was like she was hit by thunder. She turned swiftly towards me and asked. “How did you know? Did your friend tell you anything?” I said, “No but I know their special bond.” She went on and on to regal me with stories. I laugh scatter. There was nothing surprising. I know Mama’s capabilities.
She told me she got the shocker on her first day when she was brought to be introduced. Immediately my guy made the speech Mama gave her a look and slowly asked her three questions at once:
“Why do you want to marry my son?”
“Why are you so slim ?”
“Why are you wearing high heels?”
I laughed so hard that I forgot to ask her for the answers she gave.
In case you enjoyed this, I have other hilarious moments that I have captured before. Here they are: Hilarious Moments Of Life, More Hilarious Moments (II), Hilarious Moments III , Much More Hilarious Moments IV, Hilarious Moments V , Hilarious Moments VI, The Hilarity Of The Drive (VII), Hilarious Moments 8, Hilarious Moments 9, Hilarious Moment X and Hilarious Moment XI
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